My Love Is Unconditional, My Money Is Not!

As parents raising children, we are called to love our children, equip them for life, and lead them in the way they should go to lead happy and productive lives. A large part of being a parent is to introduce our children to unconditional love. A love that transcends behavior and choices and focuses on loving them for who they are. A parent’s love truly is unconditional…

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…but that doesn’t mean they can be irresponsible or entitled with money! In fact, one of the first lessons parents need to teach their children about money is that money, and the making and spending of it,  is very conditional. Here are some basic tenets about money that should be impressed upon our kids:

  1. We are paid money for producing results. For the most part, we get paid in our work based on the value we provide. Provide lots of value, get paid lots of money. But the opposite is also true: provide little value, get paid little.
  2.  There’s a BIG difference between being financially free and making lots of money.
  3. Wants and needs are VERY different things.

Taking these very basic money rules into account, here are four parent teaching moments in the lives of our children when it comes to money and the path to financial independence:

Money Does NOT Grow On Trees

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It does not take very long for a child to learn that if they want something, they say: “Mommy, I want this?” To which, sometimes, the mommy pulls money out of her purse to pay for the desired item. Mommy gives the clerk some money and then the child gets to keep the desired object. Wow, that’s easy. It seems, at least to the child, that it is even easier when mommy “pays” for the item using that little piece of plastic called a credit card: Pull out card, swipe and voila! Easy and fast. The realization that money, especially when using a credit card,  can be rapidly exchanged for desired things is quickly followed, usually, by the fact that the child can find many wants. “Mommy, I want this, and this, and this….well, you get the picture. Which brings us to the first set of Money Lessons and Conditions (Yes, I said set of lessons):

  1. Money is in limited supply, it does not grow on trees (or magically within a credit card)
  2. As a child, mommy or daddy get to determine the best use of the family money
  3. Big finish: The child MAY get to use some of the money, but they are NOT entitled to it! Especially not whenever they want it.

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Wants And Needs Are Two Different Things

As stated earlier, a child learns very quickly to express the desire for many things. The request for stuff can be endless as most kids have seemingly endless energy to express those wants…until a parent teaches their child the difference between wants and needs, as well as the difference between yes and no! A need is something the child requires to grow (like nutritious food), wear (like proper school clothes) or develop (maybe athletic shoes, glasses or some pencils). But a want is strictly discretionary. My favorite line with my kids, when they were old enough to understand it, when they started expressing all their wants, was to say “Well, I want a Ferrari, but we don’t always get what we want.”

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Which leads us to the second set of Money Lessons and Conditions:

  1. Wants are completely different than needs. Your needs will be provided for. Your wants will be taken under consideration.
  2. Your (the child’s) desire for a want will be noted, and when a parent decides either to purchase, or not to purchase an item, that parent’s yes means yes, and a no means no. Period.

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Fair Is A Place To Take Rides And Eat Bad Food

“That’s not fair!” A parent may hear this often. “It’s not fair that a classmate got a new bike, or new video game or new app”…so the child exclaims. The list of unfairness can go on and on. It is important for parents to explain that fairness has little to do with anything, and frankly, that life is not fair and you better get used to it. Fairness stems from comparison. And comparison can lead to envy and discontentment. We compare ourselves to friends, neighbors or what we see on TV. It is important for parents to remember and teach that what our neighbors do should have no bearing on what is best for our family.

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Which leads us to the third set of Money Lessons and Conditions:

  1. Wants are completely different than needs. Your needs will be provided for. Your wants will be taken under consideration.
  2. Just because a neighbor or friend gets something doesn’t mean you automatically get it. (Don’t covet)
  3. Funding family goals and dreams are a priority over instant gratification

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You Do Your Part, I’ll Do Mine

This one is my favorite. We must, as parents, teach our kids that work, and good behavior, gets rewarded AND that the opposite is also true: You don’t do your work, or you have a bad attitude, and you will not be rewarded (or paid). You get paid your allowance when you do all your chores. Don’t do your chores, don’t get paid. In my family, a school aged kid has one priority: learn in school to the best of their ability. Essentially, school is their job. Don’t do your best in school? You lose privileges. If you don’t study for a test, then get a bad grade, you don’t get sleepovers and shopping trips to the mall. Essentially: You do your part and I’ll do mine.

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Which leads us to the fourth, and final set of Money Lessons and Conditions:

  1. There are rewards and/or consequences to our actions. If you do your part, I’ll do mine. But if you don’t, then I won’t either.
  2. Responsibility brings value (and is rewarded). Irresponsibility, not so much
  3. I don’t care how much you want something if you’re not willing to do your part of the agreement (Earned vs. entitlement)

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Final Note – Unconditional Love Means Money Conditions

It’s our responsibility as parents to train our kids in the way they should go…in their actions, behaviors and decision making. Especially when it comes to money because neither our school systems or our culture will or can give them the solid foundation they need when it comes to money and the pursuit of financial independence. The first time I heard a parent use the phrase “my love is unconditional but my money isn’t” seemed a little harsh. But the more I processed the concept, the more I realized it was both responsible parenting and very loving. Teaching our kids that money, rewards and promotions are very conditional helps our kids develop the work ethic and fiscal responsibility they need to take care of themselves and form a proper relationship with money.

My love is unconditional but my money isn’t!

3 thoughts on “My Love Is Unconditional, My Money Is Not!

  1. Great writeup! I have heard stories from my friend of how he knew some people who were so spoilt as child that they expected everything to be handed on a silver platter to them, even when they grew up. They would spend the whole day at home and kept asking for food and money. It’s really quite a disappointing situation. But I feel the parents have to shoulder most of the blame as well. A good parent shouldn’t just provide their kids with wants, but a good parent should also educate and teach their kids the importance of money and hard work.

    Liked by 1 person

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